Friday, January 18, 2008

The sort of dumb-ass thing you only do on a dare…

So the first night we were in North Carolina we went to East Coast Wings and Grille for dinner. The menu sported the insanity wing. Yes, singular – you only get one, AND you have to sign a waiver to get it. That should have been a sign. Big, flashing, neon sign saying DON’T DO THIS DUMBASS!

So, Dan, Kenneth and Brandy decided to try the wing, you got your picture put up on the wall if you actually ate it. There weren’t actually that many people up on the wall – that should have been another sign.

Now, I really like hot food and I can usually hang with the big boys when it comes to hot food. However, I guess I’ve been lulled into a false sense of security in the north, where when you ask a restaurant to make something spicy they simply ignore you, afraid that they will overdo it and you won’t be able to eat your dinner (and therefore will refuse to pay for it). Now I know better.
Dan had a run in once with some pretty serious wings at Olympic, he said there were fumes coming off them that nearly made you choke. This was in the back of my mind when the three little paper boxes with one wing each arrived. I asked Brandy if I could smell one, there were no fumes, and it didn’t even smell serious. So, dumbass that I am, I asked to split it with her.
So she cut off half and gave it to me. I got a bite sized piece about one and a half inches long. I popped it in my mouth, chewed – nothing – swallowed – OH MY GOD (doesn’t even cover it). I have never experienced pain like that before in my life – not the allergic to niacin incident, not breaking my leg – not anything. The worst part was that you think it’s fine – it takes time to kick in and by then you have already swallowed it – trouble…

So the scene around the table is this: I was dying, realizing how wrong I was, and just trying to keep my cool. I ate the sour cream from my dinner, and then I started in on the ranch dressing. Sarah said she though I was ok till she saw me take the remainder of the ranch dressing and smear it all over my lips. Poor Brandy was about one step from total hyperventilation. It was so bad that the heat permeated your entire body.

Kenneth was silently crying. I couldn’t see Daniel.

Next thing I hear is “OH MY GO MY FREAKING EARS!!!!!” – Brandy

This didn’t strike me a humorous at the time, as I was experiencing the same pain, and was really focused the time when maybe, just maybe life wouldn’t suck as much – I mean when was the last time you saw me drink a glass of milk?

However the “freakin ears” comment struck her brothers as particularly funny despite the pain. Daniel managed to laugh and snort iced tea & insanity hot wing through his nose. That is NOT somewhere I would want the spice from that hot wing anywhere near! From Brandy’s point of view this was just desserts for laughing at her. How he could laugh was beyond me...

Somehow I managed to survive by eating ice continuously for about 1 hour afterwards. The ice lowered my body temperature so much I was shivering but I didn’t feel cold because my insides were on fire. My mouth cooled off finally but my stomach was on fire for 24 hours. The best description I can come up with is flaming indigestion caused by drinking a bottle of Draino and then lighting a match. It took us all a day or so to get over that – and I didn’t even eat the whole thing!!

Of course news travels fast in this family – I didn’t live that one down the whole trip. “Anyone want hot wings?” Now that it is all in the past – I definitely see the humor in the situation – especially the “freaking ears” comment (sorry Brandy, don’t kill me). I wish I had time to go back and see the pictures on the wall – I’m sure mine is not flattering, seeing as I really had very little control over my facial muscles at the time and any attempt at smiling was simply out of the question.

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